


black and blue

by sylars



Category: Little Mix (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-20
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2018-08-23 16:10:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8333980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sylars/pseuds/sylars
Summary: It's no wonder Perrie Edwards became famous for her incredible talent and breathtaking songs. Being in love with your straight best friend gives you quite the emotional outburst. Add being closeted on top of that and you've got yourself a number one hit.Or, the one where Perrie just wants Jade to love her back.// re-post, because the original work got deleted :( //





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello, my brain made this when i was a little sad so... okay well goodbye

It's dark and I'm fragile.

Life is not life anymore. It's a routine. A big mess of sleepless nights, skipped meals, cold hands and strangers. Strangers who know you, know every single thing about you, but to you they're just a memory of fading faces. Eyes that have seen things, smiles that hold secrets, lips that have met others, a face that judges you. Your mind wrecks itself when they look at you, because you know they're thinking. Thinking about you. Judging, silently; But when I look in the mirror, I realize no one's eyes seem to judge me more than mine.

But when I look into her eyes. Soft and beautiful, warm and loving, but most of all her eyes are understanding. Her eyes understand. They don't judge, they don't hate. Eyes that belong to a girl who makes me feel like myself. And in her eyes, I see myself. I see the love I save only for her, never for myself. And I see so many things, so many emotions and stories, but not the one thing I want the most. Her heart.

Her heart is like an unachievable dream. One that I'm not allowed to have or even think about. Because it's so far away and unobtainable. It's heaven and hell colliding with a bang. Thinking about owning her heart is sinful yet pleasant. So many dreams filled in just one feeling. It's the kind of thing that only comes with pain. Because no matter how beautiful a dream is, the reality of it hurts enough to disturb the beauty. And beauty is only disturbed when there is no place for it.

I never wanted to fall in love with her, but maybe that's a lie; maybe I did want to fall deeply for her. It's easier this way telling myself I didn't mean to fall for her, it's a lie I tell myself to hide how much I actually wanted it. The desire of loving her and being loved was so appealing. And then when my love was never returned, I kept lying to myself about never wanting it. Hoping maybe that would turn this around, but no. Once you fall, you fall completely. I think that's the most beautiful and in the same way ugly thing about love. It's permanent like a tattoo, but harsher. Maybe love is the tattoo of the heart. It fades, but never disappears. It engraves someone's name harshly yet delicately all in one.

My heart only has one name engraved in its center. Jade.

Jade. The name that can only be said with a smile on your face. In the rare moments I smile, it's because of her. Everything I feel is centered on her. And maybe that's a bad thing. It definitely is. But my heart doesn't care about the bad, it cares about what makes me the most happy, that's her. All of her. Her courageous soul and beautiful mind. Her weird habits, inexplicable quirks and her bright personality. It's the way she shines with her every move. Her passion for the things she loves. And God, she loves passionately. She holds on tight to everything she loves and she cherishes it, spreads it and shares it. And I'm thankful I get to witness all of it, feel every bit of it, feel my heart dance under the light that comes from the spark she gives me. A spark coming from the mesmerizing firework she is. I love fireworks and it's safe to say Jade Thirlwall is my favourite. She's blue and green and purple. And she's yellow and pink. She's everything that anything can be.

But right now it's dark and without her I'm fragile. She's with the person she loves and he has her. All of her. He has the one thing I want most and have ever wanted. All I have is a pen and a notebook, one that she gave me. I take this book with me everywhere, so I can carry the memory of her with me everywhere I go. As a famous musician I can have everything I want but everything I want is her. Yet I can't seem to get her or have her, so I pretend it's her. I pretend it's her hands on me at night, although I know hers are warmer. I pretend it's her lips on mine, but I know hers are softer. I pretend it's her love I receive, but my heart senses the truth. That's why I've stopped pretending. Stopped trying. My poor heart just can't take it anymore.

"You're thinking too much." A familiar voice cuts straight through my series of depressing thoughts. It's Jesy, of course.

I stare at the ink-covered pages in my hand before glancing up at my best friend. "Isn't that what keeps us alive?"

Jesy just points at my notebook. "So, you're writing lyrics then?" I shrug and sneak a glance at the many random lyrics scribbled on the page, waiting to be formed into a song. Waiting to be sung to millions of people. Just waiting to be heard. "Yes, kind of? I think. But I'm hungry now. Want to go out or order in?"

"Let's go out and eat actual decent food," Jesy says and she closes the laptop in her lap. "I think all that take-out is making me fat."

"Oh, shut up." I throw the pen in my hand straight at her but the sneaky son of a bitch just catches it and throws it back at me. "Everything you eat goes straight to your boobs so stop complaining about your ace body and help me ruin mine with Thai food."

"You're the popstar," she says and walks out of the living room. That makes me remember to grab my sunglasses on my way out. I'm definitely not in the mood to get papped, but it's somehow inevitable. Sunglasses in London, in freaking November. Only me.

"Call Jade and ask if she can join," Jesy shouts all the way from her room. It's a small place but it's still better than my expensive house. I'm not alone here and when I'm not alone, I don't think as much. And when I don't think, I can breathe. My heart flutters just by hearing her name called out and I think that's the evidence of love. "Sure," I shout back. Definitely.

"And tell her she can bring Sam,"

My finger pauses before pressing on her caller ID. "Of course," I say. Definitely not. Why would I invite the one person that single handedly caused me my misery. The man that decided to rise from the depths of hell and ruin my life. I might be exaggerating, but then again, I don't care.

If Jesy expects me to watch the love of my life be in love with someone else right in front of my eyes, she clearly doesn't know me at all. It's not her fault that I've never told her about my sad and desperate love life. Although, I'm quite sure she already suspects it. And if she does, she's not asking about it on purpose. That's why I love her.

It takes Jade only a few seconds to answer her phone. She answers with a simple hello. The sound of her beautiful voice filling my ears. My favourite sound in the world. "Me and Jesy are going out to dinner, do you want to join us?"

"You know I always do," she says and I can hear the smile in her voice. Her smile always ignites my own smile.

"I'll pick you up in a few minutes,"

"See you then, love you," she says. It's so innocent, so friendly. It doesn't mean what I want it to mean but somehow my heart still skips a beat hearing those words from her lips.

"I love you too," I tell her, so painfully sincere.

Jade hangs up quickly after adding another Goodbye and I can't manage to move from my spot on the couch. I don't want another night of wishing to be closer to her, but I want her and so I'll take every bit of her I can get.

"You didn't ask her about Sam." Jesy's voice coming from behind me sends me into a little panic attack. Almost five years and I'm still not used to her sneaky ways.

"I forgot," I state simply. Maybe I did, an honest mistake. It's a plausible possibility. But really, I didn't forget. How could I possibly forget about him.

"Right." She gives me a small, almost sad, smile. "You know I love you right? No matter what," Jesy says out of the blue, sitting next to me. I know she wants me to come out to her, but I can't. At least not right now. I can't handle her pity and I definitely can't handle her knowing how I feel about our best friend that I have no chance with. Our best friend who's female and straight.

"I know." I return the smile she gave me. "I love you too, but right now I just need you to be here for me and not ask questions, okay?"

Jesy nods and squeezes my hand that's entangled in hers. "Come on, let's go," she says and pulls me up with her.

It takes us approximately five minutes to get to Jade's. She doesn't live far away, which always gives me access to the 'I was just driving by and decided to see how you were doing' excuse.

"Hi, guys." Jade smiles and I'm greeted by the most beautiful sight in the world. Thank God, I'm not driving. I wouldn't have been able to focus on the road. She ruffles her slightly damp hair and I smile back at her. She probably just got out of the shower minutes ago and her hair is curling in its natural way that I love so much. Not that there's anything about her that I don't love.

"Hi, babe," Jesy says, more focused on the road. That's who she is, a mother figure. She's like my second mom.

Jade shifts a bit so she's between mine and Jesy's seats and looks straight at me. "So how does it feel not being on tour right now," Jade asks. "I'm conflicted between missing performing and wanting to rest, but at least I can get back to the studio now and work on new stuff." I answer.

"God look at you, only a few days into your break and you're already getting back in," Jade says and I catch myself looking at her a second too long. I laugh it off. "Well when you love your job as much as I do," I say.

Jesy grins and parks the car. "Our little unemployed aspiring artist has turned into a global sensation."

I reminisce in all the memories with a smile, first time being signed to a record label, first time in the studio, first time getting a global number one hit, a record breaking album, my first award. I can't help but smile and feel something tight in my chest. It's probably pride.

The three of us have dinner like we do at least once a week. We used to split the bill but now I usually pay, with Jade and Jesy's strong disliking. They don't like it when I pay for them because I have a lot of money, but sometimes they give up and let me do it after I tell them how much I want to. I really do. I want to buy them stuff and spoil them as a token of my gratitude for all the years they helped me financially. Not going to college in order to focus on my career as a musician had been a risk and not a cheap one. Jade and Jesy helped me out a lot even if they're both still in college.

****

"I'm still hungry," I say and lie down on the couch with my legs dangling over the side. "There's ice cream in the freezer," Jesy says from her bedroom, loud enough for me to hear. The condo we live in is big but not too big. It was the first place I bought after my paychecks came in and I cried when they had more than six digits. Jesy and Jade lived with me rent-free, which they also fought against but eventually gave up. Then Jade moved in with Sam, gross, so now it's just me and Jesy.

"Is there-"

"Whipped cream, yes," Jesy finishes what I was going to ask and I shout that I love her. The girl knows me too well. She does all the shopping and practically takes care of me. Like I said, she's my second mom.

I sit back down on the couch with a spoon in my mouth, holding a tub of ice cream. Turning on the TV for Friends reruns, I try to drain out my previous thoughts about a certain brown-eyed girl. I don't notice Jesy sitting on the other couch until she laughs at something Chandler says. She's sitting cross-legged with a huge book in her lap, probably studying, which turns out to be all she does. "Rachel is so hot," Jesy says to no one in particular. I look back at the screen. Definitely, 1996 Jennifer Aniston is the best thing to have happened to me. I'd do her faster than I'd do Jade. Okay that's a lie. But I'd still do her. "Don't you think?" Jesy then asks looking at me and for a moment I don't know what to say. Is she trying to make me admit that I think girls are hot? She already knows, obviously. "Everyone does, Jess."

She nods with a smile and diverts her gaze back to the TV. "What about Joey?" she asks, and, okay, I see what she's doing there. Sneaky minx. To be honest, I don't know really. I've never really liked anyone except Jade. Sure, I think people are hot, but that's because human beings tend to be beautiful, but I don't know if I want to only marry girls, or marry boys too. I just know that I want Jade, in so many ways, in any way she'll have me.

"Joey is cute, yeah, but I think Ross is cuter."

Jesy snorts. "I forgot you were into those science nerds," she says. Which, shit. Jade is a science student. She's studying to be a science teacher. Jesy is still looking at me, knowingly. She just knows but doesn't say anything. If that doesn't make her the best person alive, I don't know what does. "What can I say," I laugh shakily and add, "I used to be a science nerd myself."

She lets it go.


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my writer's block has been killing me but i pushed through for this story. its not exactly what i want it to be but i hope its good enough for now.

Like every other morning, Perrie went running.  
She loved running, more than any other physical activity to keep her in shape. It wasn’t hard to maintain the body her PR team wanted her to have, but she never liked going to the expensive gyms they wanted her to.  
She turns up her music to the loudest it can go and runs for miles, the music a distraction. Running was a way to clear her head, but that came with the price of having to think and thinking just made Perrie realistic. The last time she checked, “realistic” didn’t sell albums. Reality had never been her best friend. It hides away for a long time and when she least expects it, it knocks her out cold. And when you get caught up in the moment, nothing hurts more than reality dragging you back down to earth.  
When Perrie gets back to the apartment, Jesy is already up making breakfast.  
“Have I ever told you I love you so much?” Perrie said, sitting at the counter.  
“Every time I make you pancakes,” Jesy says to which Perrie laughs and looks at her with shame. It’s a Saturday so she doesn’t have to go to the studio until the evening, but she usually spends all day reading or watching movies for inspiration. When she’s really out of luck, she even calls Jade for a chat and asks her how it’s going with Jed. That usually does the trick.  
“Jade called and wondered why you weren’t answering your phone,” Jesy says right before handing her a plate. Perrie didn’t answer. “She wants to hang out tonight,” Jesy continues.  
She exhales. “Alright, that could be fun.”  
“You didn’t let me finish. I can’t come, I have a date.”  
Perrie pushes away her plate. “So these are pity pancakes? How dare you?”  
Jesy smiles but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “Look, I know you’ve been distant from Jade lately. I don’t know why, but I know you’re going to hate yourself if you end up pushing her away.”  
Perrie scratches the back of her neck and stands up. “I’m not really hungry anymore, I’m just going to go home if that’s okay.”  
She knows it’s unfair to Jesy, to leave without an explanation but she doesn’t think she can handle talking about Jade with her. They’ve never crossed that line and Perrie would like to keep it that way. “Alright,” Jesy says, not spending any more time on the subject.  
Right before Perrie closes the door behind her, Jesy appears in the hallway and says: “I’m sorry.”  
Perrie smiles sadly and leaves.  
_  
A house for one person just seems ridiculous, but Perrie thought she’d be in a relationship by now. She’s 24 and has never been serious with anyone. It’s her fault, it really is, but she’s okay with her choices. Why be in a mutually loving relationship with someone when you can pine over a girl you don’t have a future with?  
But the house is quite lovely, Perrie thinks. Jade has never been there, for some reason. Every time she wanted to, Perrie had an emergency or was renovating.  
She’s never had anything renovated.  
The beating in her heart didn’t slow down. It wasn’t an anxiety attack, like she sometimes has, but it was pretty damn close. It was hard, wanting to be with her and wanting to ignore her at the same time. Half of her wants to dive but the other half wants to forget. Call it what you want. A dilemma, a paradox, a struggle. To Perrie it was all of the above.  
Being in love with the idea of a person is fine, it’s great. But being in love with a person, all of them, is not fine. It’s like taking a shot in the dark, but in her situation, dark is bright daylight and she knows her target is too out of reach.  
Perrie washes the shampoo out of her hair and would never admit to anyone that she spent an hour crying under piping hot water, burning the pain out of her skin.  
She drives to the bar Jesy recommended and tries to balance her breathing as she enters, but the second she sees Jade sitting alone in a booth, her heart tightens dangerously. If she had a heart rate monitor on her right now, it would have exploded the minute Jade spotted her and smiled at her.  
She stands up and hugs Perrie tightly. “I missed you,” she whispers. Perrie shivers and hopes Jade didn’t notice her body slowly melting in her arms.  
“Don’t be silly, I saw you three days ago,” Perrie says as she sits across from Jade and waves someone over to take her order.  
“I know, but It’s been months since we hung out just the two of us. I feel like I know nothing about what’s going on in your life right now.”  
Perrie swallows and gives her best attempt at a smile. “I’ve been distracted, I guess.”  
Jade looks down and it was that moment that Perrie realized what a dick she had been. She was so wrapped up in her feelings for Jade that she had completely neglected Jade’s feelings. Perrie was supposed to be her friend and she was throwing a temper tantrum. It wasn’t Jade’s fault that Perrie was an absolute wreck. She didn’t know anything about Jade’s life lately either and that upset her.  
“I’m so sorry, Jade. I’ve been so selfish.”  
Jade started laughing and shook her head. “Stop, you’re overworked, it’s not your fault. It’s just that, you go see Jesy everyday and I see you once every two weeks and I just,” she stops herself and looks down again. And then it hit Perrie. “Jade, are you jealous?”  
“I think I am,” she says and laughs it off again. That’s her thing, laughing to mask the obvious tension. She’s beautiful.  
Perrie takes both of her hands in hers and looks her deeply in the eyes. “Listen, you idiot. If you only knew how much I loved you, you’d get a restraining order.”  
That’s when Jade actually laughs, Perrie knows the difference. Of course she does. She’s just that pathetic. Then Perrie breathes slowly and finally has the courage to ask: “How are things between you and Jed?”  
Jade smiles, probably at the thought of him, and that’s enough for Perrie to regret asking. But she doesn’t regret wanting to be the friend Jade deserves. She sips her drink, contemplating how to answer. She opts for: “I think he’s going to propose.”  
Perrie really wished she hadn’t come.  
Because now she was having an actual anxiety attack. Her heart was beating loudly and her ears were ringing. She covered it by hugging Jade and saying: “I’m so happy for you.” over and over again, hoping that if she says it enough, it starts becoming true.  
“It means so much to me that you’re so happy,” Perrie says and this she meant. If one thing was true, amidst all of this, was that seeing Jade happy was enough for her. She’s in love after all, and if you love someone, you love yourself less. She hates that it’s the truth.  
When Jade goes outside to take a call, Perrie considers running for the hills. She can’t process any of her thoughts or feelings so she gets her cellphone and speed dials the one person who knows how to handle Perrie better than Perrie herself.  
“Hi, Leigh, I need you.”  
"Consider me there," Leigh answers. And surely ten minutes later Leigh-Anne walks into the bar, acting as if she hasn't dropped everything she was doing and came straight to help her. “Perrie? Is that you?” she pretends to be surprised to run into her as they hug. “I’m so glad to see you,” Perrie says with painful honesty.  
Jade moves over to introduce herself and asks how they know each other.  
“I’m a small producer, we’ve worked on some songs together,” Leigh says, smiling sweetly at Jade. “I’m so sorry to interrupt you guys.” A lie.  
“It’s alright, the more the merrier,” Jade says and after that hey chat for a while about everything and nothing. Leigh-Anne makes sure to exclude Perrie from most of it, so Perrie can sort out her thoughts and deal with her anxiety. She has never been more grateful.  
It’s like you feel the world spinning for the first time, the dizziness creating chaos in your head, wishing the world would stop for a second. It’s as if you feel the heat from every fire that has ever been ignited, as if you’re drowning in the deepest part of the ocean, as if the air you’re breathing is toxic.  
Perrie wishes the routine of life would end. The routine of pain and grief and healing, then pain again. She once wrote how life isn’t life anymore, but maybe life has never been life. When was the last time living didn’t feel like barely surviving?  
Her sight was getting blurry and Jade was moving farther away from her. Every single day she’s moving farther away from her and Perrie doesn’t think she can handle that.


End file.
